Watson was Holmes schooled
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Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*