Watson was Holmes schooled
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[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
sry
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry