Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
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My neck my back my allergy attack
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Every damn time
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”