*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
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kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring