[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
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[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.