[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
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My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
You can’t outrun your problems…
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭