Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
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My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Hey i am sexy to you now
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
wow he looks just like him
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Gods work.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.