[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
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The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
called in thicc to work this morning
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.