[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
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50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
No, I don’t think I will.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.