Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
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Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
The Compass
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.