Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
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“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those