Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
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*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Birds & Planes.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?