So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
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me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: đđđ
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from Worldâs Greatest Science Teacher mug] áľĘ°áľ áľáśŚáľáľáśĘ°áľâżáľĘłáśŚáľ
Do men still open car doors?
That đ
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
where do you see yourself in five years?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
i be like âwhy does god give me his hardest battlesâ and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
đđ
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
The bar sign said
âWiFi password since1938â
And I was like wow thatâs been your password for a long time
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. Theyâd lost their shopping lists and didnât have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.