Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
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I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group