@KevinFarzad: Ways I'm like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
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@Mr_Kapowski: Coworkers: Zack, you should come to a hookah bar with us! Me: Why? Who's celebrating their 12th birthday?
@LOUD_Thoughts_: People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
@david8hughes: To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You've made a powerful enemy.
@cepheusjackson: MUGGER: Empty your pockets! ME: But these are cargo shorts. (45 min later) ME: That's the left one MUGGER: Seriously. ME: I am SO sorry