Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
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Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.