Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
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Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY