Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
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Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.