Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
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Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Hmmmmm
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.