Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
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A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
The pasta is now
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.