WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
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Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I really had high hopes for this year though
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
My safe word is Worcestershire
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”