Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
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My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.