Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
You Might Also Like
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Dear Lord..
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
when u come home smelling like another dog
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t