Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
You Might Also Like
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Cake!!
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…