Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
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In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.