@glenna_opt: we all had to sign a card for a coworker thats retiring and i just wrote "please take me with you" in it
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@mjkspeaks: [job interview] How did you lose your last job? "I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future." Sir, this is McDonald's.
@BucMarvin: It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I'm home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter. Let's pray for her.
@WineMummy: Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom* Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on? M:I found a gray hair! H:So? M:IN MY EYEBROW!!