Best goalkeeper.. 😅
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Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
smartest karate player in the world
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”