Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
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CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I have so many questions.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really