We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
My birthstone is kidney
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this