We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
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My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of