We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
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I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.