“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
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My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
still the best tweet of the year by far
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
They’re not wrong
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.