Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
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DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
#Caturday
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.