[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
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I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon