We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
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Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
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Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?