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@ceejoyner: We all say tomato. There is no alternate pronunciation.
@Home_Halfway: I love this time of year, where my massive spider webs and the dead guy in my living room are "Halloween decorations" again.
@meganamram: Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a pear-shaped woman's body
@AGStr8upNinja: Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn't until Thursday.
@GuyEndoreKaiser: After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
@NicestHippo: You hate it
"No I just didn't think we'd spend our anniversary here"
"What was that?!"
The bouncy castle is deflating