How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
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“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Finally, an explanation.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.