We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
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Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
i love modern commerce
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter