“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
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wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.