9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
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BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Good boy 😂😂
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
#oldknees
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat