@Loving_Life1996: We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn't stay alive.
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@ojedge: [job interview] Interviewer: "Describe yourself in 2 words." Me: "Atinubs. Econsibu." Interviewer: "You're hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA."
@sageboggs: "What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?" How about island? "Seems too obvious" What if we pronounced it weird "Perfect"
@mrsmith196645: 911: What is your emergency. M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she's smiling. Please hurry.
@TheCatWhisprer: WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn't you? ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?