My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
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[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember