We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
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Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.