“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
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actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”