when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
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Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
the battle rages on
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break