I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
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BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I hate my earbuds.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.