Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
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You’ll be OK
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.