We are the people our parents warned us about.
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A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.