@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
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Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.