We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
You Might Also Like
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?