[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
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I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”