Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
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This will never not be funny to me.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
dutch so unserious
pls suprot
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Mornin
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”