We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
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Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
That time Alicia messaged me
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.